it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
