You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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