they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
