also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
