She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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