i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
