Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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