I think my fart just growled at me.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
