I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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