So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize