when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
