I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
