she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
