Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
