the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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