So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
