do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
