There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
