I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
