Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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