I wanna passion pit in your ass
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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