That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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