I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize