i permit you to call me
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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