I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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