My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
