i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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