So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
did you just send me my own nude
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize