Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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