Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
