ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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