i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
