Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
