anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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