Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
