So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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