I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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