The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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