I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It was confusing and full of hummus
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize