my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
