at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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