The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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