forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
