I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
