I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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