You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
