haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
