Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
