don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize