if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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