Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
