The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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