I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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