this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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