the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
