The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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